"Felicity: Season 4"
Online Blog
by Kevin Carr
There has been one thing I have been dreading more than anything in the last several months: Felicity Season 4.
Last year, I did my penance - enough to get a dozen souls out of purgatory - by watching the complete third season... all 760 minutes of it.
But now, as I stare at the six-disc set that is “Felicity: Season Four,” I shudder. We’re talking an additional three hours more of Felicity in this set: 971 minutes total to be exact. It makes me question the very existence of God.
Answer me this: How is it possible that a benevolent and loving creator would allow 211 more minutes into the fourth season? Was it just to inflict pain and suffering upon me? Is there no mercy in this world?
Judging from my caustic reaction to “Felicity: Season 3,” it would be a veritable impossibility for me to actually like this extended senior year. Maybe if all the characters were killed in a tragic blimp accident and every shred of their lives were engulfed in a New York City block fire, replacing the cast with the Swedish Bikini Team, chased by Dracula and the Wolf Man.
Ahhhhh... one can only hope.
So, knowing that I’m going to enjoy “Felicity: Season 4” about as much as I would a simultaneous spinal tap/barium enema, I’m going to take a different approach to this review. To spare you the pain of almost 1000 minutes of Felicity, I provide this random journal of my thoughts throughout the season.
Let’s get started. We’re on the first disc. (Oh God! Even the menu video clip is full of angst!) Highlight “Play All” with my handy-dandy remote, and hit Enter.
Okay, so I’m not even five minutes into this thing, and I’m already starting to hate myself. Felicity is on the roof of her apartment, sunbathing with Noel and Javier. The scene is beautifully lit and shot expertly, but the useless blather between the characters is already starting to make my ears bleed. Felicity is getting clippings from her dad about successful women her age while she pisses away her early 20s in New York City. Never mind the impact that this has on someone like me, who is still in his early thirties (just barely) and hasn’t accomplished anything nearly as monumental as some of these people Felicity is reading about.
How did people watch this show without killing themselves???
Oh man! Already there’s angst about how old they are and how Felicity isn’t going to see her friends after graduation - and it’s only the beginning of the year! This is just like the pretty, insecure girl. Always needs her friends to allow her to live her life. Just accept the fact that life goes on. Friends change. What a weak, pathetic character!
And the credits haven’t even rolled yet...
Okay, we’re past the credits now. At least Greg Grunberg and Amanda Foreman are back this year. They’re good together. Funny. The only thing worthwhile in the entire series.
There’s J.J. Abrams’ name as exec. Producer and writer. Can you believe that the creator of a slick piece of TV like “Alias” came up with this as well. It’s like finding out that George Lucas made movies like “On Golden Pond” between “Star Wars” movies.
Oh great. Here’s Ben (Scott Speedman), the angry, uncontrollable a-hole. I’m so glad he’s back. (Puke!)
Hey, there’s that slutty black chick who’s marrying the guy from “Scrubs.” She’s as bitchy as ever.
Hmmm. Felicity and Ben kicked out Noel to have sex. God, their pillow talk is soooooo boring! Now he wants to be a doctor. I guess that’s a step-up from beating up frat boys who got drunk with Felicity.
I hate these people. Elena is complaining about her obsessive details on her wedding dress. Ben is trying to switch his major to premed, even though he’s dumber than a box of rocks.
The most honest words were spoken in this episode. Noel said he’d be around “moping about my future.” An entire series summed up with one line.
Now Felicity is having dinner with her dad. He said, “I think you’re wasting your time.” At first, I thought he was speaking to me, but only in my delirious fever that is this show. Alas, it’s just the same old non-winning argument about going to school for art versus medicine.
Funny, though. Yesterday, I found out that one of the most talented graphic artists I knew, whom I worked with at WorldCom several years ago, is now designing forms for the bureau of Workers’ Compensation. Here’s your future, Felicity. Get ready for it.
Another truism: “This is a waste of time and money.” There you go. The whole series summed up.
Felicity’s father should have pulled the financial plug on her years ago. Good luck finding how easy it is to pay for NYC college and eat and live and wear all those nice clothes...
What kind of moron keeps a wedding cake in their fridge??? And what kind of moron eats a wedding cake when he knows his friend is getting married soon?
Is there anyone in this show that has a backbone? Or integrity? Or common sense?
Hey, Ben just missed his first O. Chem lecture. He got locked out of class and is up the you-know-what creek without a paddle. Now he’s angry and griping at Felicity because he needs to fix the printer to print out the notes for the lecture so he doesn’t fail the quiz. His big solution is to go play basketball. I hope that if I’m in a car accident and am rushed to the hospital, and when I look up at my doctor, I hope to god it’s not Ben Covington.
Felicity is supposed to be a role model for college girls, right? It’s good to know that it’s considered role model behavior to lie to your parents just to not eat crow.
Oh, and we wrap up the first episode with narration. Some irritating monologue with Felicity musing about the future.
Whoa! This girl is the ultra slut. She gets in a minor fight with Ben, has some trouble with Daddy and doesn’t get into the honor’s class she wanted to, and she runs off to bang Noel. Felicity is like the pretty insecure girls I knew in my youth. Couldn’t go five minutes without a boyfriend, and constantly cheated on them whenever anything stressful happened in their lives.
Whew! 44 minutes down. 927 more to go...
EPISODES 2
Well, Felicity and Noel banged each other. And Felicity lost her earring in the process. Hmmmmm? Do you think that’s gonna be a plot point later? I liked it better when it was used a ten years ago in “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.”
So Felicity is now going to marry Elena and Tracy. What a glistening example of morals and fidelity.
Oops. Noel left a hickey on her neck. That was brilliant.
You know, as much as I like Greg Grunberg and Amanda Foreman, their subplots can be pretty lame. Apparently Meghan said she’s like to sleep with Tracy, and now Sean is being neurotic about it.
Unfortunately, Amanda Foreman isn’t on any of the commentaries. That was literally the best part of last season.
Well, one other decent thing about this show is Keri Russell, who is at least easy on the eyes. She has a pretty cute butt.
For some reason, Tracy is horny and wants to have sex, even though the Lord doesn’t approve. Maybe it’s because now he’s got his pimp-style mustache, which makes him sexy.
Well, with Felicity performing the ceremony and them having the wedding at Noel and Ben’s apartment. Must have been some more budget cuts on this last season. No money for a church.
Okay, I took a breather. Made a cup of soup and tried to suffer quietly. Until, I got to the scene where Felicity tries to reconcile her infidelity by talking to Tracy’s aunt and uncle who have been married for 50 years. Their advice is nothing but a string of cliches. Cheesy lines that will make your hair curl.
I think the most often said line in this series is: “Hey, you okay?” We’re only in the 2nd episode of the season, and I think it’s been said to Felicity about a dozen times already.
And we end the episode with the wedding. I’m not going to spoil anything for those who wish to go through the agonizing experience of this show. But I must ask... is there anything you can do with a wedding that makes it unique on television. Nope. It’s all been done before. And furthermore, if there’s a wedding on the show, that usually means the show is at the end of its rope. Think about it. “Friends” outstayed it’s life long past the wedding of Monica and Chandler. Heck, even “Three’s Company” stooped to a wedding t the end of its series run.
EPISODE 3
I’ve discovered that the pain of “Felicity” is like the pain in your muscles after exercising for the first time in like 15 years. It’s excruciating, but getting up and moving around helps.
So in the midst of Felicity whining about her boyfriend problems, I’ve started moving around. I defragged my computer and started cleaning off some old files I don’t need anymore. Believe me, it helps a little bit.
Noel’s an idiot! Not only did he blow off his ultra-hot wife, the Doritos girl. But now he’s balking at a $50,000 check from a settlement. I’d cut off my left foot for a $50,000 check to do nothing (except cut off my foot, of course).
You know, when I was in college, we all had issues dealing with parents and all. But does anyone in this show even get along with their folks? It was not uncommon to have parent angst in college, but not like this. This is just unreal.
Listening to these lame characters try to build each other’s ego up is painful. Noel thinks Felicity is good enough to get in the honor’s art class, but she doesn’t make it. Felicity totally believes that regardless of academic stupidity, Ben will make a great doctor. It’s like listening to the American Idol rejects try to comfort each other after being torn a new one by Simon.
I’ve had some crummy professors in my life. I even almost got kicked out of an organic chemistry lab for mouthing off to the professor. But never - ever have I been under the yolk of Ben’s over-the-top evil O. Chem prof. Hey, he’s not in medical school yet. And keeping him (and his lab partner Harrison John from TV’s “Popular”) from being a doctor is probably a good thing.
Now Felicity is considering entering a beauty pageant to make money for tuition. What? Didn’t phone sex exist at this time?
Holy cow! What is Amanda Forman wearing? It looks really cold.
Tracy’s taking the semester off. Everybody takes the semester off in this show! I want to take a semester off from this series. Can I skip ahead one or two discs?
EPISODE 4
Nice 1960s bouffant. Like she’s never made herself up. But she looks like vintage Maria Schriver with the ‘American Dreams” do.
While Felicity was blowing it in the essay section of her beauty pageant competition, I kept myself busy with some chores. I managed to trim a good amount of knots off the dog’s coat. Combed out enough fur to make another dog larger than a big Chihuahua. I’d better be careful. What if my wife likes the fact that I occupy myself with chores during “Felicity.” I hope she doesn’t go out and buy me Seasons 1 and 2 now that spring cleaning time is upon us.
Hey, the beauty pageant subplot isn’t the worst. At least I get to see some bouncy bouncy by the chesty girl in the front row.
But they are dancing to “Rhinestone Cowboy.” I’m never gonna get that song out of my head!
Whew. It’s in the last ten minutes of this episode, and my three-year-old woke up. Now I can turn of “Felicity” and watch something with a little more substance and less angst - like “Dora the Explorer.”
Come on, everyone! Sing with me... “Like a Rhinestone Cowboy!”
I recently read “The Long Walk” by Stephen King. This was one of his infamous “Bachman Books” that he published in small paperback runs under the pseudonym Richard Bachman. In “The Long Walk,” contestants competed in a bizarre futuristic marathon. They walked, and walked, and walked, starting out in Maine and going as long as they could take it. If they stopped for too long, they were shot.
The book was a character study of the boys on this long walk, following their interwoven conversations for more than three hundred miles over the course of three days. By the time you get near the end of the book, you can’t believe that these people made it this far, but you feel their pain, and in a small way, you feel like you’ve walked those three hundred miles with them. If you were told at the beginning of the book that you’d be ushered through three hundred miles, you wouldn’t believe you could make it. But by the end, you see that you did.
This is what it is like to suffer through “Felicity: Season 4.”
