MADER'S 'BRANTS Seven Sure Signs a Movie Is Gonna Suck Monkey Nuts December 10, 2004 - 7. If the poster for the film has pictures of the cast at the bottom like mug shots 6. If commercials for the film have one-word quotes from reviewers like “stunning…” or “cinematic…” or “tempting…” It means the distributor has done a pull quote and taken the word out of context like “stunningly bad” or “The worse piece of cinematic crap ever made.” Or, last but not least, “It was so bad, it was tempting to throw up.” 5. Any movie with Val Kilmer in it. Let’s face it, the guy hasn’t been in a decent film since “Batman Forever,” and the success of that movie had nothing to do with him. The fact Jim Carey was in it and it was a Batman property had more to do with it making money than Val. 4. I hate to write this one because it hurts so much. But it’s true. Angelina Jolie is a huge hint a movie is gonna suck. I know, she is hot. Hell, even blind men know she is hot, but the numbers don’t lie. Of the last 8 movies she has made only 2 have turned a profit and one of those was a “Shark Tale” with Will Smith. Guess who the draw was? Of those that lost money, most of ‘em lost big. Angie, it kills me to say this. I know it means we will never date because, as I have learned, honesty isn’t always the best policy in a relationship. But baby, your name on a movie poster is like a Surgeon Generals warning to the film viewing public. And lose the accent. Call me at 310 927 4811 next time you’re in town. We’ll do lunch. 3. Any movie that has been a directors dream project for the past 15 or 30 years. Run - don’t walk - but run away from that movie! It means that they have a vision that usally comes at the expense of every thing else...like plot. 2 Any film directed by Allen Smithee or Thomas Lee. These are pseudonyms used by directors who want to hide the fact they made the movie. It can be because they got fired or the studio mangled the edit or just the realization the movie blows and they don’t want it on their own resume. A good recent example of this is “Super Nova.” It had three directors, and then Thomas Lee used on the actual film credits. I know. I have the movie. I’m not proud of that. 1. Any movie where the week or so before it is released you see everyone involved including the Best Boy doing press interviews. If during these interviews everyone involved talks about how ground breaking the film is and how every other person involved was just the most wonderful person they have ever known, run away. This is a classic example of over selling. On average movies make 50% …give or take… of their box office revenue for the whole run of the film on the opening weekend. What the film makes during its run in the theaters is roughly …or at least it used to be… about 50% of what the film will make total after DVD and video sales. Think of the theater release as a commercial for the video sales. When you see a huge push before a film opens to get people to come out the opening weekend it’s because the studio has a large investment in the film and they know that word of mouth will kill the picture by the second weekend so they have to make as much as they can on those first three days. Short version: The suck factor of a film is directly proportional to the size of the media blitz. Later, Mader