MADER'S 'BRANTSThings I Learned From Watching CSI
September 26, 2004 -
A lot of folks think that CSI is just entertainment. Personally, I think of it as training on how to be a better criminal. Sort of like public television for thugs.
Here’s some things that I have learned:
1. Never use an automatic weapon. It leaves shell casings all over the place.
2. Never register a gun with the cops.
3. Never use a cheap gun. It can blow up on you.
4. Never use the same gun twice to commit separate crimes. It leaves a trail.
5. If you’re gonna shoot someone, use a shot gun. It never leaves ballistics. And pick up your spent shell casing. The firing pin leaves a unique dent in the primer.
6. Better yet, never shoot someone. It’s messy and leaves blood splatters and evidence all over the place.
7. Cleaning up doesn’t get rid of traces of blood ‘cause CSI has the magic liquid that makes it show up anyway.
8. Destroy anything you’ve use to kill people.
9. Never wear clothes you are fond of. You will have to destroy them after the crime anyway.
10. Never destroy things near your house. Take it far away where the connection to you can never be made.
11. Never tell someone you are going to kill them.
12. Especially never tell someone you are going to kill them in front of witnesses.
13. If possible, wear an all-over body suit so you don’t leave any skin, finger nail, dried sweat, hairs or blood at the crime scene.
14. Take off all jewelry and remove loose items like wallets. They can fall off and also be dropped at the crime scene, thus incriminating you.
15. Never wear unique shoes. They can trace the treads on the bottom of them.
16. Never drive a unique car.
17. Never drive your car.
18. Never wear cologne.
19. Never leave the body where someone can find it.
20. Never walk in the mud.
21. Never use cheap surgical gloves. Your prints can still seep through. Use driving gloves.
22. Never use their phone. The number can be traced.
23. Never use your cell phone. Its location can be traced.
24. Never use your credit card to buy anything related to crime. Always use cash. Duh.
And last, but most importantly. David Caruso is an overacting ham. Could he please just once drop the pensive overly intense shtick?
On a completely unrelated note, I saw “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” last weekend. Angelina Jolie is undeniably hot, but she has really, really, really, really, really, gotta stop doing that god awful British accent... and stop picking shitty moves to star in... just an observation...
Later,
Mader
