MADER'S RANTS Friends April 30, 2004 - My friends are leaving me. After all these years, my best buds are moving on. I’m not happy about it. We have shared so much together. Love, marriage, divorce, birth, death ...sigh... What ever shall I do now? Since they are leaving and they don’t seem to care about how I feel about it. Maybe this is the time to be completely honest with them. Monica You anorexic, emaciated, bulimic, malnourished, micro-managing, controlling, neurotic bitch. Eat a Twinkie. Rachel You self-centered, materialistic, whining, manipulative whore. Do the world a favor. Join a convent and leave the male species alone. You can’t be blamed for how you are, though your parents were hardly good role models. Phoebe Stay away from the aerosol cans and the brown paper bag. Huffing has ruined what was such a promising life. Your brother was a loser. Your twin sister was vapid. And your mom was a tramp. And you can’t play a guitar for shit. Chandler You are simply annoying. You’re condescending, obnoxious and just plain irritating. Your mannerisms make me cringe, and quite frankly I just want to club you like a baby seal. Joey Move to L.A. There are plenty of roles for guys like you in the porn biz. Gay porn biz, that is, you over-compensating jack ass. Don’t get me wrong, bud. It’s not that I think you’re gay; it’s just that you are the type of person L.A. eats up and spits out every day when ya get off the bus. And just once, read a book without moving your lips. Ross Just get the sex change operation and be done with it. Better yet, if ya don’t wanna spend the money just come out of the closet. At least then your incessant whining would make more sense. You’re in denial. Just admit what we have all known for years. By the way, what really happened to the monkey? Have ya heard? “Friends” is ending next week. Have ya heard? Huh? Huh? Huh? No more episodes left. Oh, my God what ever shall we do? Ok, so I’m being cynical here. Ya see, “Friends” was a neat show years ago but it has long been past its prime. It happens to all shows eventually. But I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the nonstop commercials on NBC as they are desperately trying to figure out what they are going to do. I’m sick of the saccharine interviews with the stars, who are reasonably nice folk. But Jesus Christ, they made a million dollars apiece per episode. That’s 22 million a year! They each, personally, alone have more money than most third world countries. I don’t need to hear Jennifer Aniston waxing about what life might hold for her now the show is over. It holds Brad Pitt and more money than God, ya idiot! Don’t tell me about your uncertain future. Try being fired from McDonalds, and all ya have to your name is 25 bucks and your rent is due. Shut up and move on! Ohhhh, but that’s the rub ain’t it? None of the “Friends” stars have careers outside the show. Matt gets his own pilot next fall. He may luck out and be the next “Frasier” spin off. or he may be cursed like the cast of “Seinfeld.” Did anyone see “Lost in Space”? “The Whole Ten Yards”? “The Pallbearer”? “Marci X”? Check imdb.com, the list goes on! Any one? Any one at all? Hold up your hand. I might be wrong. Their careers may not be in the crapper. Who knows? Who cares? All of them had a good run. Go away. They expect seventy some million people to tune in for the finale? I was at a movie theater this week that actually plans to air the show in one of their auditoriums. People are planning parties! NBC is charging super bowl rates for the commercial time!!!! IT’S JUST A SHOW!!!! Ya know what’s gonna happen? A few years from now when it’s in it third-run syndication and airing at 4 a.m., still coming back like some bad electronic form of entertainment VD. People are going to realize just how vacuous, empty, shallow, base, and just plan icky these characters were. It’s like when Jerry Garcia died and every one sobered up long enough to realize that the Grateful Dead was just a crappy country music band. Aaahhhh, but what I would give to be a fly on the wall at NBC now. I gotta wonder if there is any oxygen left in Burbank from all the Execs hyperventilating. What are they going to do? Maybe they can run back to back episodes of” Fear Factor” Tuesday through Friday. Or maybe a new show “Law and Order Mall Security.” Later, Mader