MADER'S RANTS Sex and Sickness March 26, 2004 - Last week was full of fascinating news. Mars had lots of standing water at one time. The Pakistanis couldn’t catch a quadriplegic stuck in quicksand. And when faced with having sex with a sick person or not having sex at all, I’m an idiot. I have a friend with benefits. Nice woman, divorced two kids, a little older than me. It ain’t love - just sex for 37 straight hours, and good conversation every other weekend when her husband has the boys. This comfortable rhythm is only disrupted by the occasional vacation of said ex-husband, in which case her weekends are tied up with the munchkins. Or when I’m on the road schilling TV shows to a network or two in LALA land. So, sometimes the stretch between exercise sessions can be longer. That’s what happened to us recently. So last Friday night, after 4 weeks 3 days 15 hours and 23 minutes, we had the chance to get it on! One problem. She’s sick. One of the joys of parenthood is that you get to share all the germs your kids bring home. It’s a very “giving” arrangement. Now, I’m not a pig. I offered to take a rain check. It was no big deal. We will see each other in a few weeks. She needs to get her rest. But she says, “No, no, come on over. I am feeling much better now. If the lights are off when you get here, just come up stairs.” Well, I’m compassionate, but I’m not stupid. Ten minutes later, I’m walking into her apartment and heading for the bed room, which like the rest of the place is pitch black. All I hear is the voice of Joan Rivers saying, “Come here honey...” (hack, cough, gag, wheeze) Guys, you may be horny, but your brain is now working over time. Just how sick is she that she doesn’t want me to see her? Does she still have a face? I don’t need to have sex, but since I’m here the least I can do is make sure she’s okay. What if she wants to have sex anyway? Let’s see if she has a fever. If she doesn’t have a fever, than she can’t be contagious so we can have sex. Aaah, virus infections often don’t have fevers. Well, if she is still up for it I just won’t kiss her. We practice safe sex, so my exposure will be limited. What if she has a runny nose? How bad is it? Is it just a sniffle or the river Nile during flood season? What about diarrhea? Ewwwww! I can’t believe you’re thinking this way. Hey, she told me to come over!!! Seems neurotic, doesn’t it? That whole stream of consciousness occurred in the 2 1/2 seconds it took for me to walk from her doorway to the bed and sit next to her. We talked, and after listening too her for a few minutes, I decide to stay but we wouldn’t have sex. She needed to sleep. I can be very comforting in situations like this...really...honest. We can just snuggle up, and she can rest... ...or so I thought. A half hour later, her feet are doing the most bizarre things to me. Sure, she may sound like hell but clearly someone is feeling better. Who the hell am I to argue? Fellas, you know that no matter how bad the situation, “man logic” kicks in and we can justify anything. She could have a sucking chest wound but we would still need to fill the time until the ambulance arrives. Right? Sure we do, cause we are men! She is acting frisky. She must be feeling okay. Just don’t kiss. Don’t kiss, damn you! Doesn’t matter what your intentions may be but after four solid hours of doing the “funky monkey.” At some point, spit will be swapped. Hell, it’s just a cold right? Bing! Bang! Boom! She’s happy, I’m tired, and we fall asleep. Next morning as I wrap my arm around her as a gentle way to say good morning, I hear: “I’m gonna be sick!” For a fraction of a second, I thought it was something I had done. I’m sensitive that way...really...honest. Then - as she runs naked from the bed to hurl in the toilet for the next two hours - I realize that perhaps she wasn’t as healthy as she purported to be. I got suckered!!! Damn it! She has a stronger libido than I do. I may have been willing to have sex with a sick person, but she was willing to spread her germs just to have sex! The moral here kids? No matter how good the nookie is, it ain’t worth blowing your cookies. Safe sex isn’t just about VD. Later, Mader