MADER'S RANTS Janet Jackson's Breast February 11, 2004 - So it's been over a week now and much like a B-grade movie monster, Janet Jackson's breast just won't die! Well, maybe not a monster... It's more what I call “media herpes.” It goes away. It comes back. It goes away. It comes back. Who knew it would come to this? Who knew it would go so far? Think back to last week... Ok so it’s Monday, the day after Sunday. Not any Sunday mind you but “Super Bowl Sunday”! A made up holiday full of parties and hoopla much like Sweetest day or Valentine’s day or Secretaries Day or Thanksgiving or Hanukah or Kwaanza…..all works of fiction made up by the gift card companies to sell more crap, don’t ya know. But I digress. So is any of the talk around the water cooler at work about the actual game? No. Is it about the much hyped but sadly disappointing commercials? No. It’s about the ending of a rather tired half time show that’s only really memorable moment was the exposing of Janet Jackson's boob. On that Monday every news organization played the footage over and over again as if they had finally caught the guy on the grassy knoll that nailed Kennedy. Jesus Christ, it’s the "McGruder film” of 2004. Strangely fitting since both incidents occurred in Texas. I watched the game. I saw the half time show. I saw the exposing of the offending appendage, and to be honest it happened so fast that until I woke up Monday and was inundated by friends and family saying “Hey, did you see X?” I never gave it a second thought. Now you should be saying, “John, you must have been drunk... or watching on a small TV... or were distracted by a beautiful woman at the bar.” Nope I was sober watching a big screen TV at a local sports bar, and I was enthralled by the spectacle before me. How can I make fun of something that brings such joy and amusement to my fellow patrons at the bar if I don’t see every detail? Being a smartass is hard work! Point being, I was paying attention. Being the sexist pig that I am, I was looking for skin. After all, it was a half time show! With dancers and cheer leaders. It seemed like fertile ground for a letch such as myself. What I saw was a grab, a quick reaction, then CBS jumping too a wide shot . Hell, it happened so fast that the more than one hundred viewers in the bar didn’t see a thing. If not for TIVO, we wouldn’t even be discussing this now. I re-watched the video a few times...in slow motion...over and over and over again. Purely for research, mind you, and you can plainly see Justin reach over, grab for all he’s worth and pull off the garment in question - a piece of clothing only held on by snaps covering a part of the anatomy that has a silver sun shaped pasty on it and a nipple bar (‘cause we all know that pasties and nipple bars are what you wear for support while dancing). Then to the viewers shock Janet’s breast goes back and to the left...back and to the left...back and to the left. It must have been a conspiracy! Now what’s fun, of course, is too watch all the parties involved scramble to explain it away. CBS, which aired the event, demonstratively expressed its shock and horror. MTV, who produced the event, claimed ignorance on the one hand and then marketed it shamelessly on its web site. On the other end is Justin Timberlake, the sometimes singer and first time defiler of Britney Spears (lucky bastard!), who claimed it was a “wardrobe malfunction.” Then Janet her self who finally fessed up. ''The decision to have a costume reveal at the end of my halftime show performance was made after final rehearsals. MTV was completely unaware of it,'' Jackson said. ''It was not my intention that it go as far as it did. I apologize to anyone offended - including the audience, MTV, CBS and the NFL.'' Maybe her brother should take some notes. Actually unlike most people in the world today she at least is willing to take responsibility for her actions. I respect that. Oddly, she did make a blunder in not sucking up her pride and groveling on the Grammys like Justin did. Another sign this was a bad idea was when P. Diddy expressed his support for her decision to bail on the show and effectively tell CBS to blow her. Let’s face it, Mr. Combs is hardly a road map for making good value judgments in regards to the social graces (and I’m an expert on not making good value judgements in regards to the social graces). This is one of those times when “kissing ass” is the better part of valor. Justin did his “mea culpa,” sang his song and then promptly went too some parties, had sex and got drunk. Ya know what? In a week, every one will forget about Justin’s role in the whole thing. It’s Janet’s defiance that will make her a media target for the coming months. She may get mentioned for other thing in the future but the super bowl will be brought up in the same breath for years too come. “So what’s the point?” you ask. Well, let’s face it. There really isn’t one. Folks at the FCC will make some noise, and CBS might pay a fine, but that’s only 27 grand - a pittance compared to the millions they made per airing of each commercial during the game. Janet’s career might suffer some, but it wasn’t exactly heating up the airwaves before this, anyway. In fact the “Tempest in the C-Cup” might have given her more exposure than she would have hoped for otherwise (sorry for the pun... couldn’t resist). Justin is bulletproof. The viewers are exposed to worse every day on the news and in prime time. Think Dennis Franz's hairy ass on “NYPD Blue.” There’s no real damage here. The NFL might cry foul but for God’s sake, it’s a sport that’s built on the three pillars of testosterone, hot chicks and beer. The game is played on Sunday, which is as close as it will ever get to being able to claim any moral high ground. If you want too prove me wrong, find me a fat, ugly cheerleader attached to a pro team... or an entire team that isn’t riddled with drug use, for that matter. Their protests are something akin too a whore being offended when her client leaves her fee on the dresser. On a brighter note, this whole thing has given the Democratic candidates new ideas on how to get the media too pay attention to any one other than John Kerry. Look for Al Sharpton’s hairy, fat-laden, bare nipples coming to a television near you soon. Until next time... John W. Mader