MADER'S 'BRANTS Xmas, New Years and the Holiday Funk January 9, 2005 - Well the holidays have come and gone. What a wonderful, joyous, warm time for family and friends. What a festive and delightful….who the hell am I kidding? I hate the holidays. More accurately I hate the hype around the holidays. There is this image of what Xmas should be. It’s beat into us from childhood. It permeates the media and every other aspect of life from Labor Day to January 2 like a cancer. You know what I’m talking about don’t you? Those hallmark card commercials showing warm homes full of ornaments and trees and presents and eggnog. People going to parties, and everyone enjoying each other’s company. Car ads that say a good Xmas only happens if a new Lexus is parked in the driveway or living room with a big red bow. The morning news shows with expert after expert yammering on about holiday cooking or decorating or clothing. It’s all like some Norman Rockwell painting gone horribly wrong. And if you don’t fit that mould, you are a freak. Then you have the self appointed holiday police. Those people are picked out of a crowd by their festive fashion taste. Like Santa’s Secret Service but with green and red mixed in their attire regardless of how tacky it may look. They are ready to brand you a Grinch or a Scrooge at the first sign of not towing the Yule Tide line. There is something wrong with any holiday that causes people to stress out. For weeks before Xmas almost every conversation held the phrase, “Have you gotten all your shopping done yet?” Then looks of shock and horror if you haven’t. I actually know someone that breaks down and cries if her holiday isn’t a modern version of a Currier& Ives painting. Her sense of self worth tied inversely to the amount of Christmas crap hanging on her house. Then you have the Christmas Carol Brigade. I spend every effort during the winter trying to stay warm. Why? I ask you, would I want to spend hours out in the snow and yuck standing in some complete strangers yard singing songs to them badly. Try that in July and ya get arrested for trespassing or public intoxication. Yet somehow for no apparent reason, it’s “ok” in December. And let us not forget the nightmare that buying gifts can be. It’s too big; it’s too small. The wrong color and on and on. People being ambiguous about what they want. Suddenly Xmas is an Easter egg hunt for the right present. And God help you if you have somebody in your family that compares the price of a gift you got them to the price of someone else’s present. As if the amount you love somebody can be charted on a bar graph. New Years isn’t any better. God help the person that doesn’t have a place to go or a person to share it with. Now logically some of you are assuming I wrote this because I had nothing to do for the holidays. Well honestly…no. Much to my surprise I get invitations every year to spend the holidays with friends and family. Either because they really enjoy my company or out of fear or pity, take your pick. Truth be told, my bark is much worse than my bite. In any case I’m not sure what the reason is and who am I to complain? I’m just saying that I resent the feeling that Christmas is shoved down my throat and somehow I doubt that I am alone. It is just too much! On a related side note I did have a cool solution to the holiday blahs. I know a woman that’s a musician that I talk to online from time to time. We have never met in person but before the holidays she wrote me just to say howdy. She isn’t much for the season either so I suggested we just say “fuck it” and go to the Bahamas for the week. Why not? She works in music. And depending on who you talk to. I am accused of being a writer so what the hell? Oh sure it had all kinds of potential to be a car wreck. But at least it would have been an adventure. It didn’t happen but it was worth the offer if for no other reason than it would have been completely different than the usual Felice Fucking Navidad crap. Another way to look at it is that some of us only have to do this 40 or 50 more times and then we are done! Merry Xmas and Happy New years to all our friends. Here is hoping 2005 is better than 2004. Later, Mader